Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Becky's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
11:37 pm	always seem to wait.... it has been a real long time since i have written. so much has changed! life is good but could always be better. as of right now things are how they should be. i got my babies, i got my home and i am back in st. paul. me and my ex mark broke up so now i am just enjoying the single life working and taking care of my kids. Current Mood: energetic (Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
7:44 pm	almost a year i can't believe it has been almost a year since i last wrote. doesn't seem like that long ago. a lot has been going on in that past year. i am pregnant yet again. this time i am pretty sure that is a girl. the name i have made up for my daughter is Brylynn.. what do ya think? i just made it up one day and it's the only name that i have really liked. johnnie is currently in a treatment center right now. he will be getting out at the beginning of feb. i am due in the middle to end of Jan. yes, he is going to miss yet another one of his children being born. i have moved out of st paul and am now in Menomonie WI. i'm doing alright here i guess. i am living back at my mom's but it's better than with johnnie's mom. i don't think i would be able to handle living with her again. i found out after i moved here that aidan had lead poisoning from living in St. Paul. he was at a 9 and the highest you can have is a ten. living there almost killed my son and i almost lost the baby that i am carrying now. i am ready to sue the landlord there. if i had lost my anyone of my babies i probably would have killed him. he never told us there was lead paint in that house. i know he is johnnie's godfather but i hate him so much. there isn't to many people on johnnie's family that i get along with. Pretty much grandma dorthy and his uncle keith but who couldn't love grandma dorthy? any time she is there and i need someone to talk to, she listens and doesn't go behind my back and tell the person. she is just one of the sweetest people i have ever met. keith, he's just plain wierd. sorry keith but you are. me and johnnie are talking about getting married... i still don't know how i feel about that because i am scared to death that things between us aren't going to change from how they used to be. i don't want to fight with him any more. he says i always throw his past in his face and he is probably right but i am so scared that when he gets out, nothing between us is going to change. he's going to keep drinking and treating my like shit. in st. paul he cheated on me, tried choking me, ignored me, lied to me, the list goes on. i just don't want that to happen again. i told him this time, one strike and he's out. i'm not going to put up with any of that shit again. period. i guess we'll have to wait and see how things go. all i can do is hope for the best. i got to go now, my baby just got home. love ya all! Current Mood: calm (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
4:22 pm	here we go again you know how i said that i broke up with johnnie, well we are now back together. this time i have a good feeling that it's going to be different. he finally told me that he loved me. he said he didn't realize that he did until yesturday when i was going to move out and be with someone else. now i know what a lot of you may be thinking.... he only said it to keep me and aidan around..... but i know that isn't true because i told him i would always be there for him, that he could keep my car and that he could see aidan whenever he wanted to. if he didn't love me, then why after all of that did he come to me and put his arms around me and tell me over and over that he is sorry. we talked for about two hours just about everything that he has been holding in and things that i have wanted to say to him for a long time. the guy i was going to be with told me to tell johnnie that he is the luckiest man on earth.... johnnie looks at me and said, "no he is." i asked him why and he's just like i don't know... with a huge smile plastered on his face. i look back at him and say "because i didn't choose to be with him" he said yeah and gave me a kiss. i've never seen this side of him before. last night when we were going to bed, all he did was lay there and hold me... he's never done that before. when told him that i didn't want to be with him anymore, i felt like a part of me was missing... like a part of my heart got ripped from my body. when he put his arms around me, that part of me that was missing mended back together. i guess you would only be able to understand what i am saying if you have been through it. i hope a lot of you don't have to go through it because it hurts like hell. but as they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never of loved at all. Current Mood: rejuvenated (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 19th, 2005
11:25 am	it's over i broke up with johnnie today. i just couldnt' handle anymore of what he was doing to me. i already met someone else that wants to be with me and take care of me. i know i can take care of myself but it's nice to know that i have someone to back me up. he already told me that he would like to put me through school and everything. i'm tired of getting played by johnnie. i'm tired of crying because of him. i'm just tired of getting hurt. i want to be able to look at my life when i'm older and be happy with the decisions i made. if i were to look back at my life right now, the only thing i would be proud of myself for is getting out of this relationship before i get even more hurt. if nothing has changed these past three years, they never will change. that is unless i change what is going on. it hurts like hell to think that me and johnnie are done, but i know i have to be strong and not go back. i know it's going to be hard for both of us but i told him i still want to be friends...mostly for aidan's sake, but that i couldn't handle being his girlfriend anymore. this isn't how i wanted things to work out, but what other choice do i have? Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
4:25 pm	i do it to myself. things haven't changed much since i wrote last. i'm still undescribably depressed. i know i may say i'm fine but in all reality, i'm miserable. i know i set myself up for all of this, but what am i supposed to do? i can't leave for good because i have nowhere to go. i don't have a job. i know i can't keep going on like this. always crying and being unhappy. it's the holidays and in the past for me, they have always been happy. johnnie has had really shitty holidays so it seems like ever year he has to continue to make them shitty for him and everyone else. today he was nice as hell to me when he wanted to use my car for a little while but when i called him asking when he was going to be home, he was yelling at me and shit and then hung up on me. i didn't even do anything. i wish i had the strength to leave him for good. i know i deserve better but i'm afraid i can't get any better. for the past 3 years, i have spent all my time on him. i feel i'm not pretty or skinny enough to get anyone else so i dont' even try. i'm just tired of getting walked all over. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
7:40 pm	indescribable i am back at home now from ashley's dorm. i didn't want to come home but johnnie said he had to go to work and he has yet to go. i think he just wanted to go play with his buddies. i think right now he is at a club or with another girl because he won't answer his his cell phone. the bad thing is, i don't feel anything. i'm still so hurt because of the last time that even if he does it again, i will feel nothing. my heart is still broken and it doesn't mend over night. i'm at the point where i don't know what to feel anymore. i can't stop him from doing what he is doing so what am i supposed to do? now i just called him and he pushed the ignore button. why do i sit here and take this kind of shit? why do i always let him hurt me? i need someone to talk to right now but i have no minutes on my phone left and the house phone doesn't work... i don't know what to do or think anymore... Current Mood: numb (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
5:38 pm	You are 93% Pisces How much do you match your zodiac sign? Current Mood: bored (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:29 pm	You are looking for true love. You know everyone has a soul mate and you are just waiting for that soul-mate to come and find you. You are very kind, loving and trusting. Your quote: I won't cry, coz there is somebody waiting for me... -Somebody by Bonnie McKee What kind of relationship suits you? brought to you by Quizilla this is so true. i'm sick of just dating random people. i'm sick of this high school teenage bullshit. i'm ready to settle down and have a family. Current Mood: indifferent (Comment on this)
12:12 pm	it's been a long time... a lot has happened since i wrote last. i moved to st paul with johnnie. things keep going from good to bad with us. it seems like he does things to purposely hurt me and break my heart. i love him so much and i want to be with him but he has changed so much and i don't even like looking at his face anymore. i cry when i think about leaving him for good because for the past three years, all i have done is sit and wait for him. i feel like i wasted three years of my life. if there was no aidan i wouldn't be with him right now and i guess that should be a sign that i shouldn't be with him. i don't get a chance to finish being a teenager. don't get me wrong, i love being a mom and i love my son more than anything in this world but sometimes i wonder what my life would be like without him. how would have things turned out if i had never met johnnie? because of all the things he said and did to me in the past, i am a stronger person today. yet because of him i've had a broken heart 4 times by now. we've both done things that we shouldn't have and that we aren't proud of. i'm just the only one that will admit that i was in the wrong. i just don't know anymore. i don't know what i want... i don't know who i am right now...it seems like i don't fit in anywhere anymore. Current Mood: depressed (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
1:23 pm	life....or something like it. the other day i found out my friend Cassie is pregnant. i'm going to be a godmother! i'm excited. two days after my b-day, my mom kicked me and aidan out of the house so now i am living at my dad's house till i can get an apartment. aidan is getting so big!! he's already in 12 month clothes. he's almost 8 months old! this year is going by so fast. school is almost done and that means.....graduation. i'm happy but yet i'm not. for the past thirteen years i have gone to school. now i'm not going to and it's all going to be different. i'm going to miss my friends! johnnie is in prison till next sept. or oct. by then aidan will be a year and like 2-3 months old. me and him will be really close by then. we already are! Current Mood: happy (22 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 14th, 2005
11:08 am	none what so ever on january 28th my black lab, Luke died in my lap. we don't know why and maybe it's better that way. things are actually going ok.... i don't want to live at home anymore. i'm sick of everything there. i fight with my mom and her bf Chris. i really hate him. he's a jerk. i'm ready to move out... i turn 18 in less than a month. i can't wait. ashley left on saturday for texas. she is going to be gone for three weeks. i know i will miss talking with her. she's basically the only one i actually talk to these days. johnnie wrote me a letter the other day. he is sincerely trying to change and be a new person.... a person without drugs. he wants to be there for me and Aidan and i want to give him a chance. he lied to me about not coming over because he didn't want to show weakness. it was weaker to lie and it pissed me off! we are getting to be on ok terms now.... we will see what happens. a little note to anthony if you read this.... i just want you to know that i'm not mad at you and i'm sorry if i hurt you.... i never meant to. i love you to death, but i'm just scared for you... i'm not the only one worried about you... your mom is too. she talked to me about it... i didn't bring it up, she did. i just want you to be ok. i love ya hun and so does aidan. Current Mood: indifferent (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
10:38 pm	nothing inparticular today was my WIC appointment. Aidan weighs 26lbs and 7oz and is 26 2/8in long... i have a long little boy. on January 28 my dog Luke died. me and mom had to lift him with a blanket into my mom's truck before i went to get jessie because she wouldn't have been able to see him... it would have been to hard on her. he died right in my hands. the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that he knew that he wasn't alone when he died. it's a long story how it happened and i don't really want to get into it right now. we still don't know how he died and maybe it's better that way. johnnie gets out of prison in march... i'm kinda scared about what's to come, but i know i am the one making all the shots. he has no choice in the matter. i graduate in a few months, turn 18 in one month, and aidan in 6 months already! half a year old! it went by so fast! i just wish i could slow time down so i have more time to be with aidan. Current Mood: calm (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
9:59 pm	it's been awhile. sorry that i haven't written in a long time. i haven't really been able to think of something to write. christmas went great with my family. aidan got spoiled like crazy. i got to spend time with my friends over vacation. when i had to work, i ran into annika. one of my friends that ditched me after i stopped believeing in god. now we are writting back and forth through e-mail. it's nice to talk to her again. i have thought about her and her family for a long time but had no way of getting in tough with them. as of the end of february, i won't have a babysitter anymore. my babysitter is moving away. i don't know what i am going to do. i know i will think of something but as of now, i have no idea. aidan is now five months but he looks a lot older than that. johnnie is still writting me from prison and his last letter really pissed me off. i still haven't mailed him a letter back but i dont' really feel like sending him one back. i'm afraid the is going to end up hurting me and aidan in the end. i really don't know what to do right now when it comes to johnnie. if any of you have any suggestions, please feel free to share. Current Mood: artistic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
10:37 pm	things still suck it seems like everyone is in a really bad mood. i am trying to be happy and in high spirits but it's kinda hard when everyone else is crabby and yelling at me. i'm having trouble at work because of people i live with, i'm having trouble at home with my mom, a lot of trouble with my mom. i think the only things that are good are me and aidan and me and my friends. my mom wants me and jessie to move out but we can't... we have no where to go... plus we have no money. she yelled at me because she is paying for my car repairs, well i didnt' want her to in the first place and she offered too and second, she knows i hate owing her money! she knows it was hard on me when my car had to get the repairs. i dont' know. i just hate what's going on. we were getting along really well before... then kris came into the picture. now everything is down hill... i don't even want to look at my mom right now. she doesn't understand anything i try to say to her and she won't listen. i just need to get away. far far away. Current Mood: depressed (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
9:42 pm	i wish i could just start my life over from scratch. things aren't going to well in my world. i'm fighting with tj right now because he is really mad at me for something that i don't know. he won't talk to me or anthing so i give up... i don't know what else to do. i just found out that anthony is popping pills again. i told him he can't see me nor aidan anymore. that was really hard for me. i dont' want to stop being friends with anthony but i just can't have drugs or people that do drugs around my son. i just can't. not after what happened with me and johnnie. i just don't know why everyone i really care about turns to drugs or gets pissed off at me one way or another. johnnie has been writting me from prison. he is really trying to turn his life around and i have faith that he can do it, i'm just scared that he won't. i don't care if he hurts me again because i know i can handle it, i just don't want him to hurt aidan. i just don't know what to do anymore. i give up. Current Mood: grrrrrr (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
10:13 pm	he's trying.... i have gotten two letters from johnnie within the past week. he's in prison now... they just moved him there on the 18th. he really wants to be part of aidan's life. he is going to try his hardest when he gets out to quite drugs but i don't think that i believe him... i just dont' think that i can trust him. i want to so badly but he can never get back the trust he lost.... he asked me today in the letter why i stayed with him for so long because he realized how badly he actually treated me. i wrote him back and told him because i cared about him... i dont' just run out on people i care about. he is trying and he doesn't want to loose me and aidan... he said drugs aren't worth it. i am scared he will go back to drugs, but if i didn't feel like that, something would be wrong with me. he wants me and aidan to come see him in prison... two reasons why i'm not going to... one, way to far to drive. it's like 6 hours away and me nor aidan can sit that long. two, i am NOT bringing aidan to a prison. it's just wrong to me. he gets out on march 20. i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. i want him to see aidan but not right away. me and him have to have a long talk first. the only person that wants him to see aidan right away is my sister. the rest of my family wants him to stay away and never see aidan. i know ultimately it's my choice... i just dont' know what's right yet. i will have to see how johnnie does when he gets out. Current Mood: exhausted (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 12th, 2004
11:11 pm	things happen for a reason well...... johnnie is now in prison... i know you all must be saying "what? how did that happen so fast?!?!" he got sentenced for his meth charges and he got a year prison time and then after that he will be on parol... he's been trying to call, but so far i have been hanging up because i didn't know what it was calling... it was a machine, not him... now i want to know what he wants and why he's calling... i think he just wants me to write him in there. he has no one else. he was out for two days and didn't even try to see aidan. if he really cared, he would have at least tried. i don't know anymore... i don't know if i want to talk to him. a part of me wants to but a part of me doesn't want to because i know he is just going to hurt me again...i know he will tell me that he has changed his ways but i know when he gets out, he will be back to the same old johnnie. i don't know what to do anymore. so much is happening and i don't want him to cause anymore pain to me or my family... especially to aidan. i would kill him if he did that. i just don't know.................................... Current Mood: drained (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 8th, 2004
10:01 pm	why does this have to happen now? well.........life was good. yesterday johnnie got out of jail. when i found out, i could stop shaking. i don't feel safe with him around. there is two really good things in my life though... aidan of course and TJ. one of the nicest guys i have ever met. at least he's nice to me. there is one problem though... he lives hundreds maybe thousands miles away. i wish i could be there with him because that's where i belong. i don't want to be in this town anymore. there are too many memories that follow me around. memories that i don't want to think about. i want to forget all about them. even the good ones that happened. i just need to get away. there isn't anyone else that i truly want to be with. TJ is the only one that i could ever see myself marrying and i didn't even ever want to get married. he cares about me more than anyone else ever has. as far as boyfriends go that is. i don't know what to do..... maybe someday i will be happy again and be with the person that means the world to me. Current Mood: lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
11:06 pm	everything is okey dokey! everything in my life right now is good... i haven't been depressed for a long time now, aidan is smiling, i am getting school work done, work is going good and i am getting lots of hours, but yet i still have time to spend with aidan. me and my friends are doing great... at least the ones that stuck around. my uncle bobby moved up here from oklahoma and is teaching me guitar so every thing is going good! i haven't been this happy in a long time. Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
9:59 pm	things are looking up. shay didn't get her abortion!!! she called me last night and told me that she wasn't going to get it. she went into the hospital to get it but they told her that she wasn't far enough a long so she rescheduled. she came to Aidan's baptism on sunday and by the time she left, she decided that she wanted to keep her baby! she said seeing aidan and getting the letter i mailed her, saved her baby... me and aidan saved her baby's life! i am so happy now!!! i don't have to cry over it now... it hurt me so bad thinking that she was going to kill her baby. i think that she made the right decision! i guess there is a god after all. Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)